Seeing the Sights of Holland

Yesterday I got a call from Carol, my IVF coordinator at ORM. She was touching base to let me know that they received records from my previous doctor (Stoelk) who performed my 1st IVF. They met as a team to review the records/ discuss my case and determined that it would be best to have me start the treatment after the closure (last 2 weeks in December). She said that they feel I would get better results on a traditional protocol, on which I would need a bit more time.

I felt a little sad that I'd have to wait yet another month. However, I'm so glad that they are not just pushing me through, trying to get me "done". It's clear to me that they have the patient's best interest in mind at this clinic, doing what is really right. They seem to be focused on patients as individuals, with different needs. Again, as I have been many times on this path, I was reminded of God's perfect timing, though it's not my own.

This week something finally sunk in to me: I have been comparing myself to others. I've been on a rocky path tripping all along the way because I'm looking away, caught up in watching other people's paths, not my own. I'm so thankful  that was revealed to me, because I'm already feeling more confident on my own bumpy trail. Little things have stood out to me differently this week. For example, I intentionally wore a sweater with a hole in it because I realized how perfect it was for me. I'm not perfect, but I'm OK!

A wonderful person shared this story with me a couple of weeks ago, and it's become a big reminder to me of how to look at life. I think it applies to everyone--no matter what situation...

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Tests, tests, tests

Wednesday I went in for a few tests. My friend Gretchen accompanied me since Bryan was in school. It was comforting to have her there, especially since she's 6 months along and had her miracle happen with the help of ORM!

Dr. Bankowski did the Doppler ultrasound and found that I have good numbers (below 3) so he does not feel that I need acupuncture. I'll plan on doing it on the day of transfer only. Next, he did a saline infusion sonogram and found that I'm clear of any polyps or other things that can get in the way. I didn't know that I'd have that test repeated, so I hadn't even thought about how upset I would be if they found something. Last time I had the SIS, OHSU found a polyp I had to have surgery, plus 3 months of progesterone. They also did a mock transfer to see how my body is shaped inside in order to make things run smoother on transfer day. The catheter fell out, so it took 3 tries to make sure things looked ok. I'm pretty sure I've had enough of the speculum for a while now!!

In a couple weeks, with the start of my cycle I'll have the ultrasound where they check resting follicles. I'm feeling ready and excited for this to come together! If all goes well, it looks like we're headed for the transfer in December.

Day 1 At Our New Clinic

Today we met with Dr. Bankowski at ORM for our first consultation. It went very well and I am feeling so at peace that we made the right move by changing clinics! He wants to do a doppler ultrasound to check the blood flow to my uterus and also wants to see how many resting follicles I have. OHSU performed this test and found about 16 resting follicles last time. They like to do this mid-cycle, so I'll be going in next Wednesday. They also need to see more records from Dr. Stoelk's office, where I did my first IVF in order to design the right protocol for me. It made me feel really great to know that once they get all of my results back, all 5? doctors will meet as a team and talk about my case.

Next month, they'll want to do another FSH level test on day 3, a training session for administering the medicine and then I'm hoping that they'll let me dive right in to the IVF cycle. Right now it's looking like I'll actually be doing the embryo transfer by the end of December or by the end of January depending on the schedule they set up for me. (They close down in the end of December for a week, so the nurse wanted to make sure that it doesn't conflict with that).

I'm thankful for this day. It was very good to feel like we've found the right path!

On to a new clinic

So, Monday morning I called Oregon Reproductive and I was able to schedule an appointment for Friday at 3:00 with Dr. Bankowski. I'm excited to see how this goes and hopefully start IVF in about a month!

Stop Wait Listen

This is gonna be quick because I have to go to work!

So, it was a false alarm--I didn't start the pill yesterday because the IVF coordinator did not order the Rx for me. Even though Friday I gave her the head's up that I was spotting, and I called Monday at 9AM to confirm that it started, she did not order the pills. In fact, she didn't get the message (and then acted like it was my fault). Needless to say, I was MAD!!! (and she knew it).

Last night at about 11 or so I started thinking about changing clinics. It's been in the back of my mind for a while and I felt the Lord was telling me something through this last situation. I was really ready to start this month too, but I feel God is saying STOP---WAIT---LISTEN. I don't feel like he's saying to stop doing IVF, just that I may need to go to the other clinic (ORM), which will surely delay this process by at least a month since I would  need to go through their hoops now.

This would also mean that I won't be able to do the Attain program (3 fresh/ 3 frozen cycle program). This is the part that I'm torn on! That's where the LISTEN part comes in for me. I'm good with whatever God wants--just need to hear what he tells me. Thanks for your prayers everyone. They are definitely working, just not in the way I expected.

The Pill

Tomorrow I start part of 1 of my IVF Cycle Round 2: Contraceptive Pills. This should start to prepare my ovaries for suppression and help me to avoid getting any cysts. When it's time to stimulate the ovaries in a few weeks, they want all of my follicles to grow evenly (and they want lots of them!)

I probably have about a month to go until the stage of transferring the embryos, but I've started to try and help get my body ready. For one, I have been doing acupuncture every couple weeks for about a month. I don't know how much of a believer I am, but if there's even a slight chance it could help, I want to give it a shot. I will definitely have it done during my embryo transfer, as even many western medicine doctors feel this is beneficial.

Thank you to friends and family as you have been so supportive. I will do my best to keep you informed as to what's going on.

Happy Autumn!

Autumn is here and good things are brewing for Baby Ruth. The plant sale in Hood River was lots of fun. Mom and Dad and some really nice friends and family helped us save up a little more for our fund. I'm super excited because I'll actually be starting my IVF cycle next month! Below are some links from OHSU's website that explain the basic steps involved for an IVF cycle.

Initiation of Oral Contraceptive Pills
Baseline Ultrasound
Ovarian Stimulation & Monitoring
Final Maturation HCG (Trigger shot) and Oocyte Retrieval
Fertilization
Embryo Transfer (3, 5, or 6 days after retrieval)
Pregnancy Test (10-12 days after transfer)
Early OB ultrasound (6 1/2 weeks gestation)